Kim Jong is dead? ...I didn't even know he was ill!

Okay, okay, so I know that joke is more than over-done by now but I just had to. As I'm sure most of you are aware, Kim Jong-il is dead. In a more depressing turn-- which becomes less and less of surprise to me as I struggle every day against the ignorance of humanity as a whole- quite a few people don't know who he is. To clear up any confusion, he was the "supreme leader of North Korea," or, to the more cultured audience, "the funny talking marionette in Team America."

First, some history on Korea, though I'm not going to delve too far into the past as I'm not terribly familiar with Korean history prior to World War II. But, from my understanding, they were being routinely invaded and finally succumbed to Japanese colonial rule at the end of the 19th century. Japan forced hundreds of thousands of Korean men to fight for them in World War II, forced them to give up their national identities, the typical RUDE things countries tend to do after colonizing them (in 21st century terms, this is called "aiding" or "helping" a country).

Meanwhile, members of different party factions in China decided to help Korea out and show Japan who was boss. The Allied Forces, with about as much tact as they had in divvying up the European continent, decided that they'd give a chunk of Korea to the USSR for helping them out for approximately EIGHT DAYS in the fight against Japan. Naturally, the U.S. got the rest.

A civil war in China breaks out, North Korea helps out their bro's, everything is great. Except it wasn't. There were FILTHY COMMIES IN NORTH KOREA IN CAHOOTS WITH THE SOVIET UNION. Complete lack of foresight on behalf of the United States, if you ask me. And then those FILTHY COMMIES wanted to take over South Korea to reunite it in a writing, disgusting orgy of applied Marxist theory (which, boys and girls, cites communism as the beginning stage of society-- the USSR was socialist. But, for the sake of the misguided, I will continue to use the popular and improper term: "communist). And they just marched right in there.

The United States was displeased, to put it mildly. They brought it before the Security Council of the U.N., wishing for permission to engage and push the North Korean forces out.

"But the USSR would just veto it, surely! Then it could never be done because there wasn't complete approval by the permanent members of the Security Council!"

I'm glad you've brushed up on your UN procedures, you sly devil you, but the USSR was boycotting the Security Council because they were too busy throwing a temper tantrum over the fact that Taiwan was being recognized as China's official government in lieu of the communist regime in Beijing. That really came back to bite them in the butt.

And so the Korean War was fought fully sanctioned by the United Nations, and in 1953 an armistice was signed after two years of stalemate between the opposing forces. This established the Korean Demilitarized Zone between the two countries. South Korea begins to flourish; their GDP per capita was less than Ghana's in 1957 and by 2008 it was seventeen times that much.

And North Korea became that old lady that never leaves her house, but you KNOW if you ever went in there, there would just be cat shit all over the place. And that's where Kim Jong-il was in charge.

So why are people excited about this guy being dead? Well, for one, there was a famine in North Korea between 1995 and 1997 that killed 2.5-3 million people, according to North Korea. People are still suffering from starvation according to rare reports from people living inside the country. In 2007 Jong-il made an effort to solve this problem by breeding giant rabbits the size of dogs. A German farmer sent him a dozen to get things going, but Kim Jong-il thought better of it and just ate them all at his birthday dinner instead.

Cool.

I also found this little gem from CBS News:

"Official records reportedly show that Kim learned to walk at the age of three weeks, and was talking at eight weeks. While at Kim Il Sung University, he apparently wrote 1,500 books over a period of three years, along with six full operas. According to his official biography, all of his operas are "better than any in the history of music." Then there's his sporting prowess. In 1994, Pyongyang media reported that the first time Kim picked up a golf club, he shot a 38-under par round on North Korea's only golf course, including 11 holes-in-one. Reports say each of his 17 bodyguards verified the record-breaking feat. He then decided to retire from the sport forever."

I think the most aggravating part about the whole thing is that he got to be in charge of an entire country and I'll be lucky if I'm partner in a law firm.